"I'll fix it after I'm financially stable."
"I'll fix it after I get married."
"I'll fix it after I have kids."
"I'll fix it after Hajj."

These are the lies of the Muslim who's about to waste a decade.

I told myself the Hajj one when I was 16.

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===

I cut school that day and ended up at a beach in Brooklyn with a group of girls who were friends-of-a-friend from another school. We brought a little towel, cake, bevs, and snacks in our oversized tote school-bags and went to an empty stretch of beach where nobody goes. Our long cardigans came off and we sat in the sand in clothes we wouldn't be caught dead in front of others.

Now for the sake of anonymity, I’m going to call this one girl Allison.

Allison comes up to me with a cup and asks me giggling with glassy eyes: "You wan some?"

I tell her "Nah I'm good."

She walks back to the group and everyone is just giggling in their own world.

I would say she was the "least practicing Muslim" out of everyone but oddly enough she was one who planted a seed of religion a few months later in my head. Story on that later. She was one of the many paradoxes that have unfolded in my life.

You really do meet everyone in your life for a reason.

I walk away from the group (as I am notorious of doing when going out) and I look out to the ocean. I listen to the seagulls and the giggling and the waves gently splashing at the shore and saw the bright orange red sun starting to set.

I knew it was almost Maghrib.

And I knew I was about to miss it.

And I remember the EXACT thought that crossed my teenager mind as I watched the sun set into the water:

Please forgive me Allah, I'll start praying 5x a day on time after I do Hajj.

I was 16.

And I was planning to fix my life at 40.

Oh little Saufi.

That's how early the lie starts.

So I took Satan’s deal. Because the alternative was getting up right then, putting my cardigan back on, making wudhu with the cold ocean water, and praying Maghrib alone because none of the other girls here was going to do it with me.

I felt the pull but I intentionally pushed it away.

Every Muslim I know has felt the pull at some point. But almost none of them act on it, they negotiate with it instead, and the longer they negotiate, the harder and sadder life gets.

By the way, the pull is almost always going to ask you for the thing you love most.

Years after that beach, I had a 6-figure salary post-graduating.

AND I had free breakfast, lunch, and dinner, a $5,000 wardrobe stipend, one of the best views of Manhattan, unlimited vacay days, premium top-of-the-line health insurance like I’m talking about the kind where my Japanese physical therapist in Grand Central charged $2,000 a session and billed it straight through with no questions.

I also had a sinking feeling in my chest that would not go away.

For a long time I told myself it was work anxiety.

But It wasn't any of that.

It was my soul pulling.

And it kept pulling.

And pulling.

.

===

Ibrahim (may peace be upon him) spent decades asking Allah for a son.

Decades.

He was an old man by the time Ismail was born. The Qur'an describes him crying out:

Rabbi hab li minas-salihin.
My Lord, grant me a righteous child [37:100].

Years passed. Then more years. Then more years.

Then Ismail finally came.

The miracle child.

And just as Ismail was old enough for Ibrahim to enjoy the fruits of parenting… Ibrahim has a dream.

In the dream, he was sacrificing his son.

In the world of the Prophets, dreams from Allah are commands.

So he told Ismail.

And what did the early teen have to say for himself?

Ya abati if’al ma tu’mar. Satajiduni in sha Allah minas-sabirin.
O my father, do what you have been commanded. You will find me if Allah wills of the patient ones [37:102].

They both walked toward the place of sacrifice together.

A father about to kill the son he'd waited his whole life for.

A son walking willingly toward the knife.

And Ibrahim laid him down on his forehead.

Right there, at the moment the blade was about to come down, it was called out:

Ya Ibrahim! Qad ṣaddaqta al-ru’ya.
O Abraham! You have already fulfilled the vision [37:104-105].

k I’m tearing up right now.

A ram appeared in Ismail's place.

The sacrifice was accepted before it was completed.

Because Ibrahim had already done the hardest part.

He had let go.

That's what Dhul Hijjah is built on.

A man who proved he loved Allah more than the thing Allah had given him.

Every year on the 10th of Dhul Hijjah, Muslims around the world sacrifice an animal to commemorate this moment known as Eid al-Adha (The Festival of the Sacrifice).

The last 10 nights of Ramadan are the best nights of the entire year.

The first 10 days of Dhul Hijjah are the best days of the entire year.

The Prophet ﷺ said: No good deeds done on other days are superior to those done on these first ten days of Dhul Hijjah [Bukhari 969].

Ten days.

These are the days Allah set aside for us to practice what Ibrahim did.

I was in the desert mountains in Yemen on the 9th of Dhul Hijjah 1442.

We are in a sandy landscape. There are rocky dry mountains everywhere you look in the horizon. It is hot and humid. We have not eaten all day. I feel sweat beads dripping down my face. There are hundreds of people surrounding me remembering Allah at the same time. There is a live lecture playing on a speaker as it usually happens for the women’s side in Arabic further away. You can feel the spiritual hum in the air.

I imagine that is the closest to how the Day of Arafah must be like in Hajj.

May Allah invite us to His Blessed House. Ameen.

I sit further away from my roommates and took my long 2-layered black khimar and drape it over my face so no one could see me.

I start ugly crying and make a really really specific du'a that day over and over between ‘Asr until Maghrib non-stop.

It was answered 1.5 years later.

You don't need to be in Makkah for these days to change you.

You just have to actually use them.

These days are a test that you won’t notice you failed until you do.

Dhul-Hijjah starts in about 4 days or so keep an eye out on your region's calendar.

Here’s the plan:

(1) Fast as many of the first 9 days as you can. Please can you try for more than zero? The Prophet ﷺ used to fast these days. But if you can only fast one, fast the 9th on Yawm al-Arafah. Two years of sins gone for one day of hunger (Muslim 1162). Name a better deal. Right, you can’t. You’d be an idiot for not taking this.

(2) Take a dhikr walk with Hajar's distance. Hajar is the prophetic woman of walking. When Ibrahim left her in that valley with baby and no water, she didn't sit and wait. She walked. Seven times between two hills. Looking. Trusting. Doing the most she could with no idea where the help would come from. She covered about 2 miles which is around 4,500 steps and Allah memorialized her walk as a permanent ritual of Hajj and Umrah (Sa’i). Every pilgrim will rewalk her footsteps every year, for the rest of time.

Walks do wonders for mental, physical and spiritual world. Use these days as a reset and walk the steps at the minimum. Phone preferrably left at home/car or turned off. Remember the whole way. SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah. Allahu akbar. La ilaha illa Allah. La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah.

The water came up under her son's feet.

Walk and see what comes up under yours.

(3) Have a "Dhul-Hijjah hour" every day. One hour during the day. Same time every day if you can. Just you. Allah. Read Qur'an. Make du'a. Sit and let your mind surface what it surfaces. Pray. Reflect. If you can’t do 1 hour, do at least 20 minutes.

(4) Make a list of du'as Allah has already answered. This is your gratitude muscle. Remind yoursellf that Allah has answered you before. He will answer you again!

(6) Give what you love away. For sure add charity everyday even if it’s $1. The point isn't the amount. But I also want you to think about the thing you love most. For some (maybe most?) it's money. For some it's a thing in your closet. For some it's time. For some it's something specific someone asked you for before and you said no.

Then give it away.

None of you [truly] believes until he loves for his brother that which he loves for himself.

Fun fact: If I want to stop a negative habit, I donate a large amount of money as a “penalty” if I do it again. Works well enough. Even embedded the system as a Bad Habits Tracker page in the Ramadan Planner by Eternah.

(7) Cut one thing you know is wrong. The show you shouldn't be watching. The group chat you shouldn't be in. The account you shouldn't be following. The relationship you shouldn't be entertaining. The habit you shouldn’t be doing. Make it a Dhul Hijjah thing. 10 days. See what happens.

(8) Make the du'a you've been afraid to make. The one that's too big. The one you don't think you deserve. The one where you'd have to ACTUALLY change your life if Allah answered it. Make THAT du'a on the day of Arafah.

You have one shot at this day this year.

But what if you don’t have that du’a?

The best du'a is the du'a of the day of Arafah.' (Tirmidhi 3585)

If you repeat this over and over, it is enough.

If you're going to Hajj this year or even if you're trying to honor these ten days from wherever you are, you’re going to need du'as. Search them up and print them out now.

If you want a book that has it all congregated for you, get this.

It’s pocket-sized. It also has every du'a you need for every ritual of Hajj and Umrah: tawaf, sa'i, standing at Arafah, stoning the jamarat, entering Makkah, drinking Zamzam, sacrifice. It also has du’as for travel, feelings, marriage, health, kids, money, sadness, weather, anxiety, and so much more.

All of it holdable in your palms so you're not fumbling on your phone in the middle of a spiritual moment trying to remember what to say.

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P.S. if you're not going to Hajj this year, gift one to someone who is.

You never know what blessing can return for it.

Until next time.

مع حبي (with love)

Saufiyah ♡